I am not sure how to start this post...I have been wanting to write something down for a while. I haven't had the time, or energy and I didn't know what to say that didn't sound extremely depressing! Here it is Mother's Day and for some reason, it seemed like the perfect day to actually sit down and do it.
I have been reflecting so much on my journey to where I am today, that I wanted to write it down and share it. Maybe I will be the only one to read it. Who knows, maybe someone else will be inspired by it.
When I got married at 30, I was so excited. I knew that Nathan and I would want to start our family soon. I haven't been able to watch our wedding video for years because on it, we are talking and sharing dreams for our future and family. A future that hasn't happened yet, 7 years into our marriage.
Nathan and I were not ready to start trying to have a family right away because we knew that he would be deployed about 7 months after we were married.
We were married in April of 2007 and in December of 2007, he left for Iraq. Nathan came home from his midtour leave in June of 2008. We were surprised and excited to find out about a month later that I was pregnant.
I was also very scared because I was on my own, living and teaching in Colorado. It would work out though, because Nathan would be home before the baby was due. However, what we didn't expect to happen, happened. About 9 weeks into the pregnancy, I went to the hospital where I was diagnosed with a tubal pregnancy. These are dangerous situations because if not taken care of, they can cause many complications and even death to the mother. It was devastating, and was made even harder, because Nathan was thousands of miles away in Iraq. Luckily, I was home in Utah for a friend's wedding, so my parents were there to help take care of me.
Little did I know that I was only at the beginning of a very painful path. One that was complicated by being in military health care, so I didn't have a consistent fantastic doctor. Nathan came home from Iraq in Feb. of 2009. 2009 was the year that brought Nathan home to me, but also saw 2 more pregnancy's end in miscarriage. It was at this point that I began to see fertility doctors.
Through my journey to start a family, I have seen 4 fertility doctors. I have had 2 DNC's, 4 IUI's, 1 laparoscopy, and countless other procedures including what seems like endless blood tests and ultra sounds.
Now 7 years later, I am finally ready to let it go. I have done all that I could do except spend $15,000-$20,000 for IVF. My most recent doctor evaluated our success at IVF at fair-average. But I finally feel like I am done. I don't want to be poked, prodded and put on tons of hormones. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars only to sit around and wait to see if an expensive procedure will take.
In some ways, it feels like it has taken a long time to reach the point of acceptance. But after sitting and reading through experiences of others, I realize that we all take our own time to accept with and deal with this problem. Just like any other tragedy that happens in life, we all process it and deal with it in our own time and in our own way.
Before my own issues, I was naive to what infertility meant. I always thought it was something women knew that they had, something they had been diagnosed with at a younger age and told-you'll never have children. Because I was getting pregnant, it was that much harder to accept that I was dealing with infertility!
I have definitely had my moments of anger. I have felt angry that I didn't know more about infertility. Angry that I felt blindsided. Angry that it is out of my hands.
Today, on this Mother's Day...I am finally ready to accept that I struggle with infertility. I am ready to move forward on my path, because I don't want to stop progressing. I am accepting the fact that bearing children of my own may not happen for me. I am accepting the fact that what I had dreamed of motherhood may look differently for me. Maybe we will have the miracle of adoption in our lives. Nathan and I have started on the Adoption path and who knows where that will lead us. I believe in miracles, and I believe that God has a plan for me.
