Angela Metcalf

Milagro Means Miracle

November has been a month of extreme lows and amazing highs.  It was 2 1/2 weeks ago that I sat in my LDS Bishop's office and told him that I was angry at God and that I felt like he didn't answer my prayers.  It had been 8 years of prayers for a family, and not one of them had been answered.  Nathan and I were at our breaking point, and we had never felt so depressed or discouraged as we headed into yet another holiday as a childless couple.  It was at this breaking point that we received a phone call asking us if we would like to take in a 1 month old baby girl.  We were told it could happen as early as the 18th.  Nathan and I were in shock and beyond excited!!  Ward members offered cribs, blankets, car seats and clothes for the arrival of the baby girl.  On the 18th, we were told that we would have to wait until the following week, and MIGHT be able to pick up our little miracle.  It was an anxious week for us waiting, but finally on November 24th, 6 weeks to the day she was born, we were told we could go to the DCFS Office and get her.

All of this was made possible because last February we decided to contact DCFS and pursue adoption through foster care.  I read success stories online and talked to friends who had adopted, and hoped that our efforts in attending 40+ hours of classes would pay off.  Has it ever!
We know a few things about Mila, she was born to a chronically homeless mother, who has done drugs, and yet Mila so far is perfectly healthy. We think her name is short for Milagro because she is of hispanic decent.  She has been in the care of her grandmother, who was her guardian  for the first 6 weeks of her life.  Grandma is 66 and just couldn't continue caring for her. We have met Grandma and she wants her to be adopted, she seemed to be happy when she met us. Mila's biological mom has an order to appear before the court on Dec. 8th, and if she doesn't show (which she has failed to do so far) the state is going to terminate reunification and pursue adoption for her.  Best case scenario, we could adopt around May, and we are hoping for the best case scenario.  Nathan and I have fallen in love with her, and we can't help ourselves. Everyone that has met her has fallen in love with her!  She is the sweetest, best baby.  She started smiling this week, and recognizes our faces and likes to coo at us.  Of course there is always the chance that it won't go the way that we want, but we are so hopeful and so grateful for our little miracle, our little Mila.

Waiting on the Lord

Everyone has experience waiting for something.  Every day we wait on things, maybe it’s standing in line at the grocery store, waiting in a doctor’s office or sitting in traffic at a stop light. Sometimes it seems you wait forever on the thing you are waiting for and sometimes I feel that the lord is really trying to get me to understand what it means to be patient or wait.

When I graduated from High School and was heading off to college, I had my life all planned out and thought it would go something like this:  I would study teaching at BYU, I would meet an RM (returned missionary) not my freshman year like so many other girls, but by the time I graduated.  We would get married and I would teach until the kids came.  We would have 2 boys and 2 girls and life would be perfect.  But like many people….my plan for my life was not what God had in store for me.

I did go to BYU and became a teacher, but found myself still single in my mid 20’s.  I got engaged, then was dumped and at the age of 28 found myself entering the world of online dating.  I began to wonder if I would ever find my Mr. Right. 

Eventually Nathan and I would meet online while he was stationed in Iraq and I was teaching 6^th grade in Orem. But my time waiting was not over yet.  We were married in April 2007,  and within the first year of our marriage I found myself saying goodbye as he returned to Iraq for a 15 month deployment.  I waited to find Nathan, and again found myself waiting to start that next phase in our lives. Though I thought that 15 months would last forever, it came and went.

Upon Nathan’s return from Iraq we were both ready and excited to start our family, but found ourselves waiting again as pregnancies turned into miscarriages time after time.

 I have learned and continue to learn what it means to wait.  The topic of waiting on the lord has become a very personal one, but what does it really mean to wait on the lord?  I have come to learn that it means more than just sitting around waiting on the Lord to bless me with the righteous desires of the heart. More than just sitting around in my favorite pajamas, watching my favorite show and feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday I was able to attend an event in Salt Lake called Time Out for Women. For those of you who haven’t been it is a two day event filled with motivational speakers, and has become a tradition for my mom and I to attend each year. One of the speaker’s that touched me the most was a woman named Kris Belcher.  She is a woman that over time found herself without her eyesight.  Her outlook and humor when dealing with life, really touched me.  She talked about the topic of waiting on the Lord.  First she talked about the word waiting and gave the analogy of a waiter.  We can think of waiting in terms of a waiter at a restaurant.  In this sense, to wait on someone is to serve them. A good waiter or server gives his or her customers excellent care and attention by checking in often, learning their desires and attending to them. So it can be as we wait on the Lord.  

In a talk by Elder Hales titled Waiting on the Lord: Thy Will Be Done, Elder Hales also defines waiting on the Lord in the following ways.

- In the scriptures the word wait means to hope, to anticipate and to trust. 

-Waiting upon the lord means to stand fast, press forward in faith having a perfect brightness of hope.

-Waiting upon the lord means saying Thy will be done O’ lord and not ours.

During her presentation at Time Out for Women, Sister Belcher  gave three strategies we can use to help us as we wait upon the Lord:

1)     Look up-  Elder Carl B Cook in a recent conference address talks of a time when feeling overwhelmed:  At the end of a particularly tiring day toward the end of my first week as a General Authority, my briefcase was overloaded and my mind was preoccupied with the question “How can I possibly do this?” I left the office of the Seventy and entered the elevator of the Church Administration Building. As the elevator descended, my head was down and I stared blankly at the floor.The door opened and someone entered, but I didn’t look up. As the door closed, I heard someone ask, “What are you looking at down there?” I recognized that voice—it was President Thomas S. Monson.  I quickly looked up and responded, “Oh, nothing.” (I’m sure that clever response inspired confidence in my abilities!)

But he had seen my subdued countenance and my heavy briefcase. He smiled and lovingly suggested, while pointing heavenward, “It is better to look up!” As we traveled down one more level, he cheerfully explained that he was on his way to the temple. When he bid me farewell, his parting glance spoke again to my heart, “Now, remember, it is better to look up.”

As we parted, the words of a scripture came to mind: “Believe in God; believe that he is … ; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth.”1 As I thought of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s power, my heart found the comfort I had sought in vain from the floor of that descending elevator.

President Monson’s encouragement to look up is a metaphor for remembering Christ. As we remember Him and trust in His power, we receive strength through His Atonement. It is the means whereby we can be relieved of our anxieties, our burdens, and our suffering. It is the means whereby we can be forgiven and healed from the pain of our sins. It is the means whereby we can receive the faith and strength to endure all things.7

What do I do in my life to try to Look up?  Read my scriptures, say my prayers, attend the temple, attend my church meetings each week, listen to uplifting music.

2)     Look in- We can ask ourselves, what can I learn from this trial or experience that will make me a better person?  Count our blessings and express gratitude for that which we do have.   As this week is Thanksgiving this one stands out to me.  What do I have to be grateful for? Being a great aunt, being a great teacher, being a great wife, developing my talents, my new home, etc.

How do I look in? Read my patriarchal blessing and search for the gifts and promises I have been given

3. Look out- One benefit of waiting on a blessing is that it helps us to recognize those around us who are also in need.  Perhaps the need is different than our own, but we are more aware.  I don’t know what blessings others are waiting on, but I do know that they wait.  I have found compassion and empathy that I did not know I had.  I remember a time before I was married and I was attending the temple.  I sat there in the temple deep in thought, wrestling with an idea in my head.  I was aware of a woman sitting near me and didn’t think much of her until she left and came back.  Hesitantly she walked up to me and told me that she could tell that I was deep in thought over something and that she felt impressed to tell me that God was mindful of me and that

 He loved me.  I was so grateful for this woman and her kindness to me that day.  Her act of service encourages me to act on the promptings that I receive.

How do I look out?  Serving others, noticing other’s needs, fulfilling my duties and church callings and acting on promptings.

Recently I discovered a favorite scripture in Isaiah 40:31-

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

What an amazing promise!

 Shifting our attitude from one of just waiting, to one of waiting upon the Lord gives us focus and purpose if we remember to Look up, Look in and Look out.

Accepting Infertility

I am not sure how to start this post...I have been wanting to write something down for a while.  I haven't had the time, or energy and I didn't know what to say that didn't sound extremely depressing!  Here it is Mother's Day and for some reason, it seemed like the perfect day to actually sit down and do it.

I have been reflecting so much on my journey to where I am today, that I wanted to write it down and share it.  Maybe I will be the only one to read it. Who knows, maybe someone else will be inspired by it.

When I got married at 30, I was so excited.  I knew that Nathan and I would want to start our family soon.  I haven't been able to watch our wedding video for years because on it, we are talking and sharing dreams for our future and family.  A future that hasn't happened yet, 7 years into our marriage.
Nathan and I were not ready to start trying to have a family right away because we knew that he would be deployed about 7 months after we were married.
We were married in April of 2007 and in December of 2007, he left for Iraq.  Nathan came home from his midtour leave in June of 2008.  We were surprised and excited to find out about a month later that I was pregnant.

I was also very scared because I was on my own, living and teaching in Colorado. It would work out though, because Nathan would be home before the baby was due.  However, what we didn't expect to happen, happened.  About 9 weeks into the pregnancy, I went to the hospital where I was diagnosed with a tubal pregnancy.  These are dangerous situations because if not taken care of, they can cause many complications and even death to the mother.  It was devastating, and was made even harder, because Nathan was thousands of miles away in Iraq.  Luckily, I was home in Utah for a friend's wedding, so my parents were there to help take care of me.

Little did I know that I was only at the beginning of a very painful path.  One that was complicated by being in military health care, so I didn't have a consistent fantastic doctor.  Nathan came home from Iraq in Feb. of 2009.  2009 was the year that brought Nathan home to me, but also saw 2 more pregnancy's end in miscarriage.  It was at this point that I began to see fertility doctors. 

Through my journey to start a family, I have seen 4 fertility doctors. I have had 2 DNC's, 4 IUI's, 1 laparoscopy, and countless other procedures including what seems like endless blood tests and ultra sounds. 

Now 7 years later, I am finally ready to let it go.  I have done all that I could do except spend $15,000-$20,000 for IVF.  My most recent doctor evaluated our success at IVF at fair-average.  But I finally feel like I am done.  I don't want to be poked, prodded and put on tons of hormones.  I don't want to spend thousands of dollars only to sit around and wait to see if an expensive procedure will take.
In some ways, it feels like it has taken a long time to reach the point of acceptance.  But after sitting and reading through experiences of others, I realize that we all take our own time to accept with and deal with this problem.  Just like any other tragedy that happens in life, we all process it and deal with it in our own time and in our own way.

Before my own issues, I was naive to what infertility meant.  I always thought it was something women knew that they had, something they had been diagnosed with at a younger age and told-you'll never have children.  Because I was getting pregnant, it was that much harder to accept that I was dealing with infertility!
I have definitely had my moments of anger.  I have felt angry that I didn't know more about infertility.  Angry that I felt blindsided.  Angry that it is out of my hands.

Today, on this Mother's Day...I am finally ready to accept that I struggle with infertility.  I am ready to move forward on my path, because I don't want to stop progressing.  I am accepting the fact that bearing children of my own may not happen for me.  I am accepting the fact that what I had dreamed of motherhood may look differently for me. Maybe we will have the miracle of adoption in our lives. Nathan and I have started on the Adoption path and who knows where that will lead us.   I believe in miracles, and I believe that God has a plan for me. 

Waiting on blessings

As Christmas time approaches this year, it has been different. Of course I have put up my decorations, trimmed the tree, gone to the work Christmas party, watched Christmas movies.  But for the first time I am beginning to understand why the holidays are painful for some.  Every year that Nathan and I wait for a family, it gets harder. The holidays are all about family and children and I feel that void more than ever this year. Maybe it is because of my latest miscarriage or the fact that  I have TWO sisters in law pregnant, and it seems you can't turn on the television without some celebrity announcing their pregnancy (congrats princess Kate.)

. Recently my surgery helped discover and fix some issues in my body, but that seems to only make me anxious. Every time i think the doctor is going to tell me I can't get pregnant, theres no way....I get an answer that pushes us on to keep trying. Although my surgery only happened a couple months ago, I guess I was hoping that by some miracle of miracles I would already be pregnant.

The biggest thing helping me through right now is prayer. It helped me sit through a room full of women at a baby shower, gushing about babies and cute presents. It really was a comforting and amazing experience to pray to Heavenly Father and to feel comfort and peace as that prayer was answered.  I think sometimes the hardest thing is to be happy for others when you are waiting on that same blessing. Boy is this trial trying to teach me that. I think I am getting better at it, I hope i am getting better at it! As I venture through this holiday season, I have thought a bit more about the atonement. Especially about how Christ suffered all things. In ALL things, I know he feels my pain. I heard recently at Time out for women, a speaker talking about laying our burdens at the Lords feet. Instead of carrying it and struggling with it, to take it to the Lord and turn it over to him. On the days I do that, I am happiest and it helps as I continue waiting on blessings. And as I wait on some blessings, how can I not recognize the things that I have been blessed with.  A year ago, I was sitting in a tiny apartment, in another state, teaching where I wasn't very happy while Nathan was working nights, weekends and holidays. 13 is my lucky number...so bring on 2013!

Utah Here I Come

                                                  
Growing up in California, I had never even been to Utah.  I loved California and everything about it. The weather...the beach...the things to do.  Then I went away to school.  I will always remember driving into Provo for the first time and looking up at those big mountains. They seemed so majestic.  I loved sitting in my apartment south of BYU and listening to the sound of the thunder bounce off the mountains.  It was amazing and beautiful.  I fell in love with Utah that summer.

Now after 5 years of being away, I can't wait to return!  Of course my number one thing I am looking forward to is being close to my family and friends, but now that I am mere weeks away I have started thinking of all of the things that I can't wait to do.  So for fun, I thought I would list them here....in no particular order.

1. Go to Gardner Village at Halloween!





2. Go to the Tulip festival at Thanksgiving point.
 

3. BYU creamery
 
4. Attend a BYU football game at Lavell Edwards Stadium
 

5.See the lights on temple square
 

6. Go to park city during sundance
 
7. Eat at the Roof (Never done )
8. Venture into Ute territory and eat at the Pie (Never done)
9. Drive the Alpine Loop in the fall
10. Visit bridal veil falls and provo canyon in the summer
11. Visit City Creek
12. Get fried ice cream at Los Hermanos
13. Order fry sauce
14. Attend general conference
15. Cafe Rio!
16.  Go boating on a lake in the summer
17. Go camping at Bear Lake in the summer and have a raspberry shake
18. Finally learn to snowboard
19. Visit the Manti pageant
20. Go to the shakespeare festival in Cedar City
21. Order an Apple Beer and pasta at Brick Oven
22. Watch a show at Hale Center Theater
23. Attend a Jazz game

Why do so many involve food??  I can't wait to introduce Nathan to all things Utah or to call up my girlfriends and go do something!
Can't wait, Can't wait, Can't wait!