As Christmas time approaches this year, it has been different. Of course I have put up my decorations, trimmed the tree, gone to the work Christmas party, watched Christmas movies. But for the first time I am beginning to understand why the holidays are painful for some. Every year that Nathan and I wait for a family, it gets harder. The holidays are all about family and children and I feel that void more than ever this year. Maybe it is because of my latest miscarriage or the fact that I have TWO sisters in law pregnant, and it seems you can't turn on the television without some celebrity announcing their pregnancy (congrats princess Kate.)
. Recently my surgery helped discover and fix some issues in my body, but that seems to only make me anxious. Every time i think the doctor is going to tell me I can't get pregnant, theres no way....I get an answer that pushes us on to keep trying. Although my surgery only happened a couple months ago, I guess I was hoping that by some miracle of miracles I would already be pregnant.
The biggest thing helping me through right now is prayer. It helped me sit through a room full of women at a baby shower, gushing about babies and cute presents. It really was a comforting and amazing experience to pray to Heavenly Father and to feel comfort and peace as that prayer was answered. I think sometimes the hardest thing is to be happy for others when you are waiting on that same blessing. Boy is this trial trying to teach me that. I think I am getting better at it, I hope i am getting better at it! As I venture through this holiday season, I have thought a bit more about the atonement. Especially about how Christ suffered all things. In ALL things, I know he feels my pain. I heard recently at Time out for women, a speaker talking about laying our burdens at the Lords feet. Instead of carrying it and struggling with it, to take it to the Lord and turn it over to him. On the days I do that, I am happiest and it helps as I continue waiting on blessings. And as I wait on some blessings, how can I not recognize the things that I have been blessed with. A year ago, I was sitting in a tiny apartment, in another state, teaching where I wasn't very happy while Nathan was working nights, weekends and holidays. 13 is my lucky number...so bring on 2013!
Love you Ang. Beautiful words. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Merry Christmas to you and Nathan!
ReplyDeleteWords I say cannot express the depth to which I feel and understand your pain. Though I do have children, experiencing a loss is by far the worst pain I have ever known. I share your pain, God shares your pain and you are not alone. Though it can be hard to see others joy, this pain will ease with time. I remember avoiding turning on the television, going to the store, and even seeing friends that were so happy about their pregnancies. You have many points in my book for being able to be happy for others when you yourself are hurting. I will keep praying for you that you will be able to have the family you so desire. Much love and happy birthday (early!)
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